with Lynne and Leslie

Three years a widow: I really am OK, you guys!

by SweetMidlife

Man, we were hot.

Well, look at that. It’s July 29th again! It’s the third anniversary of my husband Scott’s death! Well, isn’t that…a thing!

The only way that this date is not going to be significant and, again, a thing, is for me to be dead and not know that it’s happening, and since we aren’t planning on that happening anytime soon, I’m going to have to deal with the commemoration of this sucky, life-ruining thing every. Single. Year. The first time, I was resolved to be sad and tipsy and kinda backstroke luxuriously in my grief. Last year, I kind of cried and then said “Screw it, let’s do something fun.”

And today….I don’t want to cry. I still do that, sometimes, with no prompting or sad gauzey Lifetime movie montages necessary. I don’t need to manufacture occasions to miss Scott, because I always will. The loss of him will never be OK. It reminds a stupid glitch in reason and logic and God and I are gonna have a long talk about it when I finally do make it to wherever it is we go and meet God. (If it’s my idea of Heaven, it’s an endless “House Hunters” marathon next to All-You-Can-Eat Pad Thai Night.)

But at the three year mark, Leslie. Is. OK. Leslie can smile, and laugh, and not feel guilty about it. Leslie can think about giving Scott’s extraneous dress shirts and sports shorts that still take up too much space in a closet in a bedroom he never slept in, and not feel like she’s picking off pieces of her own skin. She can talk about the times he was a jerk, and not feel like she’s a bad priestess at the Altar of Husband. She can watch the video of his eulogy and not crumble. Her wedding photos don’t seem like the foundation of an elaborate cosmic joke – on her. She can consider doing things he wanted to do but never got to and feel him laughing with her, and not imagining that she’s doing something wrong by still being alive without him.

And that part’s huge. Leslie’s OK. I’m OK.

So today, when you come onto my Facebook page and you tell me stories about Scott, make them happy ones. Make them funny ones, ones about his Ravens obsession and his bad driving and his sloppiness. Make them about his kindness and larger-than-lifeness. I am not the only person who lost him – as his cousin Kenny says in that crazy eulogy, the dude drew a crowd. He was a man that people showed up for, even if he didn’t always believe it.

I am showing up for Scott Zervitz by being what he would want me to be: OK. Better than OK. I’m good. His son is good. We’re good.

And this time next year, I intend on being able to say the same.


4 Responses to “Three years a widow: I really am OK, you guys!”

  1. Thank you for being real Leslie! You inspire me!

  2. That was beautiful Leslie. I remember when you guys got married more than I remember when he passed….glad you’re OK! Keep on sharing with us….

  3. turner411@gmail.com' Best Friend Nikki says:

    I’m so happy that you’re good. {{HUG}}

  4. brianfkirk@gmail.com' Brian Kirk says:

    Beautiful.

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