Dear jealous heifer skanks...umm, the cast of “Say Yes To The Dress: Bridesmaids”:
Have you lost your fricking minds?
Let me back up a little and give you the consideration that the testiest of you have not given your bride friends, at least on camera. Having watched the first two episodes last week, and taping the second two tonight because I like pretty wedding crap, I have come to one of three conclusions. I’m leaning towards the thirds:
— You’re victims of horrible vicious edits and should sue.
— You’re misguided little girls who think it’s funny to be awful on TV, and are playing a character to get more attention.
— You’re miserable little jealous twits who are not worthy of the friendship that got you into this wedding and on this show.
Yeah. The third one seems much more likely, especially since even if you’re faking for the camera, you don’t mind looking like a miserable little jealous twit.
As we have addressed before on this blog, both Lynne and I have been bridesmaids (I’m gearing up for my ninth stint down the aisle as a supporting player) with brides of all different styles. And we both have dresses that we love, like OK and, in two cases (at least for me) didn’t love at all. But never, ever, ever have we pitched a giant, bratty fit in the middle of a store and, like a particularly odious chick from last week’s shows named Nikki, insisted that we were just as important as the bride.
No. You. Are . Not.
In the old days of Roman tradition, bridesmaids were ten women dressed identical to the bride to confuse the evil spirits who had presumably come to the wedding to curse the happy couple. So, evil nasty bridesmaids who aren’t being used as evil spirit bait, doesn’t your job seem better?
Here’s what you need to know: This is not about you. This is about your friend, or your cousin, or your sister, or your sister-in-law and her special day. That does not imply that she should be holding you hostage in your bridesmaidhood and forcing you to wear something horrible that cost more than your car payment. If the bride is being unreasonable, or if you just can’t afford the dress that’s picked, you have every right to say no. And if she is your friend, she will understand.
But once you agree, you must understand your place. You are not there to be the star of the show, or make your perfect fashion statement, or to show everyone what your favorite color is, because, and you must listen to me…IT IS NOT YOUR WEDDING. If the bride is a good person and she wants you all to wear the same dress, she will take you to a fitting and have you try on dresses and not pick anything that the majority of the bridesmaids will not look great, or at least good in. She will not want you to look awful, or stupid, or to go broke and have to eat ramen noodles and bitterness for the next year.
If she is a good person, she will take your comfort and budget into consideration. And, again, if you think she is being unreasonable, tell her respectfully that it’s out of your league. But you can not expect her to change her wedding colors because you don’t like them. You can not hold her hostage to your pettiness, your whims and your threats that if she does not love the dress, you won’t be in her wedding.
Because if you do, and she is not a pushover, or being made to have you in her wedding by family pressure, she will slap you with a sample dress and tell you to get the hell out of the salon, out of her wedding, and out of her life. And even if she’s being pressured, she needs to get some bridal courage and tell her family NO.
This is not the 80s or even the 90s, when they didn’t make bridesmaids dresses you could wear again. Maybe to an 80s prom, like I did with one of my mother’s dresses, or ironically at one of those hipster 80s proms now attended by people who weren’t alive then. But now, most of the dresses I see are appropriate for other cocktail parties or formals. And if you never go to cocktail parties or formals, or the dress is in a color you just don’t do, suck it up. If you agreed to be in this wedding, suck it up.
My sister and I, because we’ve been through this, and because we were both getting married in our late 30s and aren’t of the opinion that our friends live to be our slaves, told our bridesmaids that they could pick their own dresses, with some parameters – Lynne’s just had to be brown, with some sort of orange accent for her fall wedding, and mine had to be somewhere between pink and purple. I didn’t care about the length. I just wanted them appropriate for a Palm Beach brunch wedding and not to look like they were about to voulez vous couchez avec them. You know?
So clearly, there were some women in my wedding who do not usually wear pink or purple. But they know those are my favorite colors, so that was no negotiable. And they had every color in the pink-purple spectrum to choose from. So I couldn’t help them if they were passionately opposed to those, like, 87 colors. Within that huge, wide spectrum, they all found something within their budget and comfort zones and they all looked hot. Even Jason the Bridesman had a purple tie. Hotness.
My friend Stephanie, who was one of my girls and whose matron of honor I will proudly be in the spring, actually sent us all a paint sample strip and said “Wear one of these colors of blue.” Seriously. How cool is that? Most people look good in some sort of blue. My friend Nikki, another bridesmaid, said “Wear a red dress in this fabric.” Cool. My bridesmaid/wedding planner Kiki had us go play in a bridal store until we picked pretty black dresses in a shorter length. I have worn mine three other times. Paid for itself.
Of course, this is not always the way a bride works. But all of the brides in the first couple of episodes were nice, reasonable people being literally shamed publicly for the honor of having picked these women to stand up for them. And I’m talking about some of you. If you hate the girl, don’t be in her wedding. That simple. I will tell you the same thing I tell wedding guests who get all put out that the couple won’t deign to get them drunk for free by supplying an open bar, or a bar at all – If you don’t love these people enough to forgo alcohol for three hours, don’t go. And see someone about your alcoholic douche issues.
What it means for you is that if you can’t put your petty transparent jealous skank face away for a few months and wear a dang dress, you aren’t worth it. And you need to ask yourself why it makes you feel good to humiliate this woman you’re supposed to love.
My guess would be one of the following:
— You have no idea how you come off, and are as horrified as the rest of us when you watch yourself.
— You suck.
I am leaning toward the second one.